Back in June, I published a post consisting of comments from "Jeff" about his mixed-orientation marriage. Yesterday, via comments on that post, he updated me on his situation. So that his thoughts get the exposure they deserve, I am publishing them here in this post.
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So much has happened in my life since I wrote this last
entry to you in July. Would you indulge me for a moment? I feel that you were a
source of hope during a particularly bleak period of my life. Let me just
preface by saying that the changes that have occurred in my life lately are
only part of a journey that I have been engaged in for a very long time.
Reading blogs and stories from many people like yourself, Joseph, have only
helped me to realize that I am not alone. I am no longer a mistake that God or
my parents made. I am me, and I am beautiful. I still carry on my shoulders the
guilt and shame that are the result of growing up in the LDS church, and to a
larger extent, our society. But, I have hope that perhaps God does not hate me.
Perhaps God loves me. Perhaps being gay was something natural that I was born
with, along with brown hair and ten fingers. Or perhaps it was a result of a
troubled childhood and lack of male affection early on in my life. I do not
know entirely. But I do know that God wants me to be happy, and I was not happy
in a mixed-orientation marriage.
You were right. If I wasn't gay I would still not be happy
in the marriage that I was in. One morning in June I woke up and had the strong
feeling that if I divorced my wife, it would be devastating to my children, but
they would eventually be better off because they would be able to see life with
me, away from and without the influence of their mother. You see, my wife has
so many mental and emotional issues that my children are being raised in chaos
and instability. If I could get away, they could see what life could be like
without the chaos and with so much more stability. So, with that insight, and
holding on to faith and hope, I told my wife around the middle of July that I
wanted a divorce. Being the narcissistic and bipolar person that she is, you
can imagine that the last few months have been a roller coaster.
I filed for divorce, got an attorney, and began pursuing the
right to have guardianship of my children. The children were devastated, as you
can imagine. But things are getting better. They genuinely love me, and they
love spending time with me. We have so much better quality time together, even
though for the time being it is limited. But, for the time that they are with
me, they experience stability and peace. My new apartment is clean, peaceful
and a bright example of an alternative to the chaos that they live with every
day with their mother.
This decision that I made, ultimately, was because of the
chaos, anger and negativity of my wife. The unhappiness in my marriage was not
100% due to my wife. The sexual frustrations played a big part for me. However,
my ultimate decision to divorce was entirely because of her. I realized that my
kids would actually have a greater chance in the long run if they knew me as a
healthy, complete person, and could experience stability and peaceful living.
One additional thing, the first hearing last month
determined that my kids would continue to stay with my wife for the time being until
further assessment could be completed. I live in a very conservative community,
so my wife's lawyer asked me a question that she thought would damage my case.
She asked, "Are you gay?" I paused for a moment and replied,
"Yes." I added no more comment. You could have heard a pin drop,
though, in the courtroom. Afterwards, my family, who doesn't fully grasp the
seriousness of my feelings, tried to tell me how wrong and damaging it was to
my case that I said 'yes'. However, I didn't feel that way. It felt liberating
in a way to be able to just come out and say it. I wasn't ashamed or
embarrassed. I felt happy about it. If it really hurts my case, then come what
may. I don't want to lie anymore. According to my family, I "suffer"
from same-sex attraction. Apparently, it's like a permanent disease, not a
characteristic of my identity. We'll have our sit-down soon. They'll either
love me or hate me. Either way, I will continue to just love myself. It's taken
me 38 years to be able to be comfortable with the fact that I am gay. I suppose
they might need a little time as well.
But the information that leaked last week from the Church
really put a whole new spin on my situation, as you can imagine. Two of my
daughters are already baptized. One of them is six, and she really wants me to
baptize her. This is a whole new dilemma that I was not prepared to deal with.
I can't believe that this is happening at the same time as my divorce. So, my
thoughts race as to what to do now. Do I just put up the facade that I'm the
good Mormon who suffers with SSA, or do I completely come clean. Not sure yet
about that one.
Anyways, I thought you would find my story of interest. Thank you for your kind words before. They helped center my thoughts a bit more in preparation for this stage in my life.
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